Dorky Kirei

Dorky Kirei is a low-tier Kirei Kotomine from the parallel universe Earth-8008135. While other Kirei's are more well-known and formidable, Dorky Kirei is actually one of the weakest. He's made enemies of some of the most respectable Kirei's and people, except for me.

Why I Hate This Rat Bastard
Okay, look. I'm willing to give nearly everyone a chance. As someone who can astral project into the many planes of Kirei, I've seen some real shit. Some serious shit. A Kirei that stands about a hundred feet tall, a Kirei that was fused with an elephant, a homeless Kirei with no dick. I had sex with all of them. But none of that could match the sheer disappointment I had when I met Dorky Kirei Kotomine.

It was a late night, and after a quick bite to eat at Chuck E Cheese, I was ready to try my hand at meeting a new Kirei. I settled down into my armchair and began to focus on splitting myself between universes. I thought, "what if I could meet the smartest, wisest Kirei?" And then I immediately thought, "does Weird Al have a big penis or not?", which immediately sent me to Earth-8008135.

I didn't realize my mistake and found myself in front of a rather plain looking house in Fuyuki. Could this really be the house of the most intelligent Kirei? I stepped forward, fearing the unknown, yet determined. I knocked. Then rang the bell. For a while there was only silence. Then, a voice from behind the door.

"You arrived rather quickly."

A scream was welling at the back of my throat. How could he have known I was coming? Just how powerful is this Kirei Kotomine of Earth-8008135? As the door swung open, I had visions of a Kirei with a brain as large as a bowling ball.

"You Uber Eats guys sure are impressive."

What?

Are you serious? A man wearing gym shorts and a Star Wars t-shirt just opened the door. His voice? The same as Kirei's. His height was the same as well... except that his torso seemed incredibly small. He kept looking at me, expecting something, but I didn't know what to say.

"Wait a second. You didn't bring me my Sub from Subway?" His face turned into a grimace. Normally, this meant that a Kirei would surely kill you, but as I looked at his face, I noticed it was covered in oil and acne. Was this really anything to be afraid of? I told him I didn't have his sandwich, but I knew who he was. He smiled. Once again, I should be scared, but I've never met anyone so tame.

"Ah, so you must be here for the D&D."

"D&D?"

"Yeah, my Dungeons and Dragons campaign. We're pretending to look for the Holy Grail, haha."

Wait, what? This is Fuyuki, the ritual site of the Holy Grail War, but this Kirei seems oblivious to all of it. What's going on?